one week down....

so, i successfully completed my first week of classes. and - wow! hit you in the face. i'm already really behind. it's very overwhelming, but i'm dealing with it pretty well. i think that i've almost found my groove and so should be a little more efficient and focused this week. it's harder to get back into the swing of things than i imagined, having not been a student for 2 years.

wednesday was an odd day. we started our dissections. in one day, i cut into a cadaver and received my own human skeleton to take home. i wasn't very freaked out by this until i got my bone box home. i went to open it and was like "this is a bit creepy". and it still is. i'm sure i'll be utilizing the bones a lot more in the future to study, but for now - they are safely tucked away.

even more surreal perhaps was friday's dissection. the task was the breasts and chest cavity. being that our cadaver is a woman, we had to remove both breasts and give one away to another group who didn't have one. weird. then we had to dissect the individual breast (the part that i ended up doing). it was fine, but it was a little unsettling. here we were, basically doing a type of double mastectomy - a procedure that is upcoming for me in december. of course, it isn't the exact same thing - but as i was thinking about it, it was just..i can't describe it.

i had a similar reaction when we did the spine as i recalled my back surgery. i suppose i've always been fascinated by surgery and things like that, but now, after having actually been part of the process of cutting into a human being, i'm even more amazed by surgeons and surgery. everything is so intimately connected and so close together, it is amazing what we can do. i wish i were more eloquent of a writer or that my thoughts were more coherent at the moment to describe this better.

here's looking to surviving week 2.

surrealism

today, i had the surreal experience of meeting someone that i had already met but who didn't realize the difference (and thus, thought i ws somebody completely new). okay, maybe that didn't make any sense, so let me try again. through the course of the last few days, i have probably introduced myself over 200 times. in fact, i feel like that is mostly all i've done since starting my medical school experience. funny thing, i still probably haven't met m ore than a third of my 165-member class. several people remembered me from before (like from an interview day) but didn't seem to remember and/or care that my name and gender was different. today however, i had an experience that went something like this:
-hi, i'm remy
*i'm m_____
-i think we may have met before. did we interview together?
*no, ...(thinking) wait! we worked together at NIH
-oh yeah.
-where did you go to school?
-NC State
-there was another girl at NIH that went to NC State who actually knew s0-and-so who i grew up with

um...yeah. totally talking about me. SURREAL.

in other news, seem to be fitting in and being perceived as i want. which is odd as i don't really know how to converse with guys. apparently, a lot of people think i'm gay. i'm okay with this, but i find it amusing.

more later

holy crap

i start med school tomorrow.

ahh!

month of freedom

friday was my last day in the lab. thus begins a month of freedom before school begins. today, i 'm nc bound for a quick trip. the craziness of the next few weeks and the nervousness and stress should make a winning combination.

hopefully i will get around to posting a few vids i've been meaning to as well as some pics of the next few weeks.

flying under the radar.

so, tonight i participated in a dual-bachelorette party for my two lesbian friends who are getting married next month. i was a little apprehensive as i
a)wasn't sure what the crowd would be (though i knew i wouldn't be the only guy)
b) i knew a lot of the crowd would be second years (at Maryland Med School where I'll be)
c) there was a possibility of some of my fraternity brothers who i haven't seen or talked to in years to be there

turns out b) and c) were true. but, the night went off very successfully. first, someone filled in said frat brothers of my transitioning prior to them arriving at the meeting place. yay for eliminating some of the awkwardness. not sure if the others knew anything or not, but i don't think they did. and they just took me as one of the guys.

we ended up getting ripped off by a cabbie :( who took us to our first destination - strip club. we ended up going to a lower end one not on "the block" b/c one of the girls had connections and could get us in free. well, turns out that was only true for the ladies. and so i flew under the radar as i payed cover. for some reason the bouncer didn't card the guys (maybe b/c our group was like 20 people) which i was glad for. that could have been superawkward depending on what reaction i would have gotten.

that was my first venture into a strip club. i didn't think they were going to do fully nudes, but they did. it was okay. none of the girls were that attractive really. even with my testosterone enhanced state, i wasn't all worked up over anything. we went from there to the gay club. again, i was sort of afraid about the ID issue. i've never had a problem at that particular institution but i've never been there with new people who didn't know my status or on a "ladies" night where there were different covers for guys and girls. that different cover thing really sucks, btw.

it was nice to be stealthish tonight, but i realized i had to be careful of not saying anything stupid to blow it. i'm not used to being in such a situation. it was kind of nice.

okay, this entry sucks and is rambly but it is almost 3 am. g'night
-r.a.r.

progress

I biked approximately 2.5 miles tonight. On the city streets. Partially at night. AND AND AND didn't collapse or die. This is progress. I will tell you that it wasn't the easiest...I blame this partly on needing more air in my tires (I think), not knowing how to shift gears, and of course on my out-of-shapeness. I think I could grow to like this though.

It was especially nice on my way back from my friends- the cool air was so pleasant

top surgery update #1

i just scheduled a consult for July 20th with dr. beverly fischer!
i am hoping to schedule for right after my first semester of classes ends. but, we'll see...it's really close to xmas and then i only have 1.5 weeks off for winter break! seriously. not even 2 weeks.
but, that is plenty of time to hopefully scrounge up the rest of the money and such needed.
i should have scheduled this before now - i wish i could have had it done pre-school starting. oh well.

sometimes, i don't feel like i am _________ enough

sometimes, i don't feel like i am strong enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am man enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am trans enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am queer enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am loud enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am effective enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am smart enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am confident enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am genuine enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am valued enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am "me" enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am doing enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am attractive enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am cool enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i try hard enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i say enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i feel enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am enough

last night, i dreamt that i was filing my name change papers. perhaps it's coming closer to happening.

My back is slippery but has no backbone?

So, all of these happened today:

1) Carpooling to rehearsal, my bandmate was asking me about the trans health conference and says "so, you used to be a girl then?" Wow, way to make an assumption and ask an inappropriate question at the same time. I answered but didn't know how to interject with a lesson about why that is not appropriate.

2) Other Bandmate: What's up, girl? This may not have been even an insult as gay men do often call each other girl. However, I didn't appreciate it. Again, let it slide off my back.

3) Yet another Bandmate (speaking of an upcoming band trip and hotels): I think we should all room together. We are the minority (Here, I assume that she is referring to her and the other person's blackness and my filipino-ness until...) . Being all women, I think we should room together, not that I have anything against the male gender. I don't think I responded at all. I think I just walked off (semi)rudely(?)

4) And one more Bandmate: Me and Remy go way back...I knew Remy when she was L. Ahh. Again, totally inappropriate but I didn't really say anything.

So thoughts after all of these events (which occurred in a 4 hour span).
-People may not be getting it as much as they or I think
-I suck at not standing up for myself maybe. But, in all of these cases, I know that no harm was intended which may be why I was more hesitant to say something. Conversely, these people are friends, allies (or in the process of becoming ones) and open to learning so they should be easier to say something too. Bah!
-Um, yeah...

a few random things

-i got "sir"red on the phone today
-i've been less freaked out about the name change thing lately (in general)
-i'm feeling more like i actually have friends lately. or, more than a few. yay for being semi-social
-my place is a hot mess. why is it that organizing usually starts with everything being a disaster.
-i had forgotten just how awkward i can be. but, don't worry, i've rediscovered it. hopefully it is endearing.
-i really CANNOT wait to quit my job.
-i am almost done plotting and will probably book my vacation soon
-med school starts in about..9 weeks. ahh!

sorry for the rambly semi-coherent list. that's the best i have right now

2 month update

Blood

So, I decided to give blood today. It was my second time, and I am proudly sporting the "Be nice to me, I gave blood today!" sticker. One of my goals has been to be a habitual-every-8-week donor, and it looks like I'm working my way up to that nicely.  Two units down, umpteen more to go.  This is, of course, dependent on not getting tattoos which may throw the donation schedule off (and likely will if my plans carry out). I feel really good having donated blood which could help several people out. Check out more info about blood donation and blood drives at the givelife.org website.

Anyway,  today's experience was interesting.  I made several observations, most of which are assumptions, but still make life interesting. First, I think maybe that I was in the system as male because when I had to (reluctantly) state that I was female, the intake person pressed a button on the keyboard. When the paperwork was printed, there was an asterisk next to the "F" as if it had been changed. Then, I sit in the chair and the girl who I assume is going to be taking my blood says to the other one "hand me his file".  As it turns out, she must have been going on break or something so another girl came to take over.  This second one started to wipe something off of all the bags (for blood collection) and the first goes "what are you getting rid of that "M" for?" "Because we don't need it" was the response. I can only assume that this was a gender marker? I don't know how the blood collection stuff is classified but that is my guess.

Plus, I'm not sure...but I lied during my history about shots in the last 8 weeks. I don't think taking testosterone should be a problem but I didn't want to chance it. I need to look more into this. I just felt bad about lying. Oh well.

Okay, I need to get to work. This is being posted by email.
-r.a.r.

04.26.09

I've had a really great weekend. Busy and yet lazy at the same time. My days have been pretty filled, but I've managed to stay in both Friday and Saturday nights. I think I needed it -- to recharge. I've been feeling very tired the last week or so - like, I'm actually sleeping in which isn't usual. Could this be a hormonal thing? I suppose it could be.

Random things:
-my thighs may be getting hairier.
-same goes for my chinny chin
-i noticed my hairline looked different today,but it was also immediately after waking up with no glasses on.haha
- I like looking in the mirror without my glasses on; this has been the case for a long while.
-Names are hard and I'm still very much in distress over figuring this one out.
-I need to be better at documenting my journey I think.

This blog post is not very fun, I realize.

parting words (at least for now)

Dear L,

I know that recently it seems like I've been pushing you away...it's just that I'm not sure how to keep you in my life right now. I know that you're scared to leave. I'm scared too - scared of losing you forever, afraid of not being able to live up to your reputation with your family and friends, and terrified that I will become unrecognizable to you and everyone else I know. I don't want you to go away forever, but right now, I need my space. And I need some distance from you. I can feel you holding on, not wanting to let go - but for me to take this chance and leap of faith, i need you to as well. Though we must diverge as I make my journey, I have confidence that we will meet up again down the road and travel together again. Maybe by then, you won't be just a sad girl named happiness and I won't be such a lost little boy. I'm going through so many changes right now, and I want to be able to enjoy them and take it all in as I'm living it and so I have to stop worrying about you so much. I know that's not my style. So for now, "so long" -- I'll think of you often as I carve out my own path.

Love always,
R.A.R.

OFFICIALLY official

So, it's officially official. I will be going to Maryland next year for medical school.

I realize that I've been telling most of you this for several weeks (months?), but it is now officially official! I finally withdrew from CMS at Rosalind Franklin University today. It was the only school that I still hadn't removed my name from. And, after several weeks of nervousness and horrific thinking that once I withdrew I'd find out the I'd actually imagined getting accepted and holding a spot at maryland, I finally took care of it. GO me! and, i made my self-imposed deadline too.

YAY!

Now, onto worrying about financial stuff. meh.

Shot #3

The second I've given myself. This one did not go as smoothly as the first one even though my stress levels were WAY lower. Could it be because of the cross-body action? This week was in the left leg and I am right-handed. Do I have the gusto to try doing it left-handed next time? Or, was it just the fact that the needle was too dull? I ended up switching needles cause my first attempt I couldn't seem to break the skin. But, was it the needle being dull or me being apprehensive? Good question. Also, had some post-injection leakage this time. For real this time and not-imagined. I may ask about this and try doing the z-track method I've heard about. I also need to ask about proper needle disposal. I should probably have a biohazard/sharps container or something. For now, a used water bottle will have to do.

Other observations: I don't know if it's related as I only have 2 previous times to go by, but it seems that the last few days before I am due for a shot, I get really tired. I think the release time is 7-10 days, so this makes sense. I am gonna keep an eye on this pattern and see if it persists. I'm hoping that my period doesn't come this month. I was really wishful last month but it came right after my 2nd shot. meh. Exactly NOT what I wanted to deal with.

I was surprised yesterday by the discovery of the amount of change in certain regions. That is all I will say about that. I'm noticing more hair (the blondy peachfuzzy kind) on my face - but, was it there before and I just didn't notice or is it new? Appetite is still low but more normal than it was the first 3 weeks. This is all I can think of for now. I should start posting pics eventually.

bang bang!

randomosity

observation:
in the last week, my appetite has been drastically reduced. today, i've eaten 2 meals solely because i felt i should, not because i was very hungry. also, i ate more than i intended, but overall less than usual. i would like this decreased appetite to stay around...but would like to not feel obligated to eat. i mean....if i'm not hungry, there is really no need, right?

secondly: i think that i may give up alcohol. i already don't really drink that much anyway, so it wouldn't be much of a change. but... i feel like it would be healthier. i recently watched a video on youtube from jackson where he said he chooses not to smoke drink or drug b/c he doesn't want to exacerbate any of T's possibly negative effects. i agree with this. i already practically agree with this philosophy in concept and action, so why not?

i also want to continue to be conscious of how healthily i'm eating and such.

never talk to strangers.

is this good advice for those of us who are old enough not to be lured into a kidnapper's grasp? i mean, isn't everyone a stranger until you meet them?

i ramble. i'm just writing this entry because i actually talked to somebody i didn't know. past the usual automatic pleasantries of "hi" "how are you" "excuse me" etc. and for me, this is a BIG deal. especially coming on a night where i was feeling kinda saddy. for no apparent reason. i struck up a conversation with this girl in the local coffee/bookshop - something i never do. i never feel "cool enough" to talk to strangers, especially the likes that hang out in said shop. i've seen her there before, so maybe a conversation will occur at a later date too.

okay- i realize that for you super-outgoing types, this is silly. but, those of you who know me know that i'm really shy (if you don't, just remember back to when we first met.....)

Tax whoas! (not to be confused with woes)

So, I just went to the irs.gov page to see what was up with my refund. I did this a few weeks ago and it said they were still processing my return and that it should be finished processing and sent to me by March 24th. Well, being anxious and poor, I wanted to re-check it. So, I log in and the first words I see are MISTAKES. and i'm like "uh-oh"....but then, i keep reading and it turns out they found mistakes on my refund and adjusted my refund to be hundreds MORE than i expected. WHOA! :) i think this has something to do with the stimulus and economic recovery plan based on the description when i clicked on "what type of mistakes" link. since i don't actually get paid wages and get a W-2 form, i suppose they are giving me my stimulus now because they can't take it out of the biweekly checks that i don't receive. whatevs. in any case, this is a pleasant surprise and makes me happy.

Day 5

So, this is day 5 of being on T.
Has anything changed?

Well, I can honestly say that I have no freaking idea.
Here are some things that appear to be different but could just be due to placebo effects, my imagination, or the way the stars happen to be aligned.

Less anxious/stressed overall.
With the exception of last night (though, it wasn't terrible), I've been sleeping better.
So far, I seem to have had a decrease in appetite which is surprising but I'm also not complaining. (i tooka  good look at myself in the mirror today and would very much like to get rid of my "gut")
I'd say that I noticed a bit of an odor change the first day in regards to pee/etc, but I don't notice that anymore so not sure.
Today, on the way to work I was singing along with the radio and my voice seemed to go a bit deeper than it used to be able to. But, it's probably in my head. Though, my throat does feel scratchy now. I don't want to force my voice lower than it is actually b/c i'd hate to end up all squeaky.

That;s my impression so far.

Been being very proactive with washing my face twice a day to try to fend off any acne if it is coming. Trying to get back on a vitamin regimen and trying to start a (very basic at this point) workout routine consisting mostly of upper body stuff.

Um, yah. Back to the lab. (Being able to post by email does have its advantages)

03.13.09 = T Day

12 hours later....and my leg friggin hurts like crazy. ahh!

Update: 3.12.09

i'm lazy and didn't edit. i ran out of memory so it cuts off funny at the end

Get Strong... Get Ripped... Quick!

That's right. I bought an Iron Gym. It was a semi-impulse buy in that I've been thinking of getting one for awhile but figured i should wait til I thought i'd be confident that I'd actually use it before i spent the 30 bucks on it, but then i had a convo at work with DAR and was talking about one and on my way home the turn lane at the stop light was backed up so i said, i'll just go straight (onto I-95) and go get an Iron Gym. haha.

Will I get strong and ripped? More importantly will I get that way "quick"?  We'll see. I hope so. I hope their claims are as true as their claim that it is  easy to put together (it was) and easy to "install" (it was).  

I did 3 sets of 5 pushups, which were made infinitely harder by using the grips and not just putting my hands on the floor; 3 sets of 15 sit-ups; 2 sets of 5 hanging-from-the-bar-attempting-to-pull-myself-ups (cannot be called pullups or chinups - it is  a long way from that. a long way!), and i did 1 miniset of 5 dips. 

my goal is to repeat this workout 2 more times this week. hopefully, i can get a routine going. i will hopefully getting my first shot this Friday, and i'd like to use it to my advantage - bulk up! (or at least tone up). i am SO afraid of gaining weight so this might help with that too (in the sense that maybe i'll only gain muscle mass instead of fat mass). i like parenthesis tonight. ()()()()()(). 

there she goes...

tonight, i saw and heard an amazing woman speak. dr. maya angelou was at U. Baltimore as part of their Feminist Legal Theory Conference. In fact, she was the keynote. as promised, she was incredibly dynamic, charming, engaging and entertaining as a speaker, and I'm glad I went.

however, i found the experience to be slightly saddening and hard. as i was listening to dr. angelou speak about the powerful women in her life who had shaped her and paved the way for her; about the needs of women to be empowered and stand up for themselves; etc; i realized that i am no longer part of that - the feminism, female and women empowerment - and i can't ever be part of that in the same way. it was weird to be listening and relating on some level, but also to know that my understanding of the situations and experiences she was invoking were atypical to probably most of the other men in the room. i suppose that is the beauty of being in the position i am currently, but at this point, where i'm still sort of in the middle, it's also really tough. i'm trying to balance the feelings of excitement and pride in myself and the changes that are about to come with the mourning and loss of a part of myself that i know has to leave in some way. and all of it is combined with the fear of the unknown. it's quite overwhelming emotionally, and i wasn't expecting to encounter that in my evening. i realize that this is probably going to be something that i deal with more and more as things progress, and i hope i am able to figure out how to deal.

but...overall, a good night. and a good end to a long, eventful week

luck, fortune, and gratitude

those who know me, know that i am not one to talk about myself much - good or bad. especially good.  part of this is humility and part of it is likely low self-esteem.  as i am in the early stages of transition, the self-esteem factor is increasing slowly, but it's likely that i'll always be holding a large box of humility.  going along with this sometimes is a tendency to focus on faults.  but, today, i want to focus on some of the good. that way, maybe i'll be able to reference it when i'm back in my emo-place. 

coincidentally, this topic was discussed on Sunday.  in my recent search for stability and spirituality, i've been giving church a shot. i'm almost ashamed to admit that.  i've been a pretty firm non-believer for a long time.  not that i don't believe in some kind of higher power or force, but i've always had issues with Christianity, organized religion (mostly church as that is what is most familiar), the idea of one all-powerful being, and a seemingly blind faith in an outdated text.  but anyway, that doesn't really matter.  what matters is that i felt a pull towards finding a spiritual home.  i'm in the early stages of figuring out exactly what i mean by that, but in the meantime, i am keeping an open mind and really just "listening" to the world around me for cues.  

as part of this exploration, i've gone to church twice. probably the only two times in my life i've ever willingly gone to church of my own accord.  but, to make me feel a bit better, i will say that it is probably the furthest you can get from church but still be church.  the services i've attended have been at the First Unitarian Church of Charm City. my first experience was a very odd one, as i mostly cried. just being in the building seemed to make me very emotionally open (perhaps vulnerable?), but i felt very safe and welcome. something i probably very much needed at the time. flash forward two weeks later and i tried again. this time, i didn't find myself crying but i did listen to what the lady had to say regarding "finding home".  stay with me: i promise i'm getting back to my point, though rather circuitously.

anyway, as part of her "sermon" she asked us to pick up imaginary pencils and paper and to write down one thing we were really good at.  just one. and being the self-doubter i am, i couldn't think of anything. not one thing. and then i yelled at myself to stop being so stupid and to just admit to being good at something. so, i thought of something and wrote in on my imaginary paper and i must admit, it did feel good.  

i often forget that i have qualities that people like or that i have things people would say i'm "really good" at.  let me rephrase that: it isn't necessarily that i forget, but i think it's my tendency not to realize it.  i'm oftentimes looking at the world from a much wider perspective, and i don't feel as if i am significant enough to contribute meaningfully.  it is this very fact that i struggle with continually -- finding work that i feel will make an impact. perhaps i need to zoom in a bit and examine things more in front of me. 

okay---i know i know, i ramble this a.m. going back to good things.  

i feel incredibly lucky right now to have so many awesome people in my life who, regardless if they understand me right now, have shown nothing but support and love.  people in all walks of my life, from those i've know forever and those i've just met, have really surprised me lately.  it's nice for a slight-misanthrope to be reminded that it's okay to put a little faith in people.

i'm going to stop now. this entry has evolved into something completely different than i had originally thought, but that's okay. (i'm also way too self-critical in most cases) 

-r.a.r.

*note: i realize i'm still skirting around some big issues. in time. in time. i'm not quite ready to let go of my characteristic crypticness. 

test...

can i really post by email?

I am slowly becoming my father...

As I sit here on a Sunday morning, sipping my coffee and watching CBS' Sunday Morning, only one (maybe two) things are missing - the Sunday crossword, and my life partner working on it with me.  Other than that, I may as well be my dad.  

i woke up one morning and realized that the Sunday ritual i always hated as a kid - being forced to watch this 90-minute news show with a funny them song and a low-tech, looked like it hadn't changed from the 70's set, with the funny guy in a bow tie instead of watching cartoons or whatever; and being asked a multitude of questions regarding the remaining answers in the crossword puzzle that my parents thought i might know - had suddenly become my very own sunday habit. (minus the crossword b/c i'm poor and don't subscribe). i find i really miss doing crosswords daily, but can't seem to make the time to do one. moreso, i feel guilty for trying to do one at work while "on the clock" so to speak.

anyway, i suppose in more than just this way i am slowly becoming my father. this isn't a bad thing. i pretty much think that he is the greatest man in the world, and i'd be lucky to be half the man he is. recently, it's become more of a reality that i will very likely succeed in this. following in his footsteps and also growing into them. 

why even heroes need to talk

"even heroes need to talk" was the text on a postcard that i stumbled across a long time ago. do you remember those go cards ? well, i found this random card which i've since lost (sadly). it was blue with white text, only saying "even heroes need to talk". i picked it up and though i no longer have the card, the saying has stuck with me. in fact, so much so that i've even considered getting it tattooed on me. that, however, brings up my issues with decision-making and permanence. 

anyway, that is why "even heroes need to talk" was chosen as a title for this blog. but, secondary to that fact is the truth behind the words. everyone needs a space and permission to talk and vent. so, welcome to my blog. i hope that i do better than i have in past attempts at actually posting often and thoughtfully.  i've never really been a big talker, even when i've needed to be.  i'm trying to listen to my own advice, especially at a time of big change in my life.  i'll talk about it more later, but my life is about to drastically change on several fronts, and the only way i think i'll stay sane and healthy throughout is to get some of it out of my head once in a while.  hopefully, my posts will initiate some dialogue with you, random reader.

-r.a.r.

sidenote: not until i realized that i lost the postcard and was trying to find a way to obtain another copy did i find out that this post card was an advertisement for the NYC health department during the period shortly after 9/11 when the city was trying to cope; it was part of the New York Needs Us Strong Campaign