luck, fortune, and gratitude

those who know me, know that i am not one to talk about myself much - good or bad. especially good.  part of this is humility and part of it is likely low self-esteem.  as i am in the early stages of transition, the self-esteem factor is increasing slowly, but it's likely that i'll always be holding a large box of humility.  going along with this sometimes is a tendency to focus on faults.  but, today, i want to focus on some of the good. that way, maybe i'll be able to reference it when i'm back in my emo-place. 

coincidentally, this topic was discussed on Sunday.  in my recent search for stability and spirituality, i've been giving church a shot. i'm almost ashamed to admit that.  i've been a pretty firm non-believer for a long time.  not that i don't believe in some kind of higher power or force, but i've always had issues with Christianity, organized religion (mostly church as that is what is most familiar), the idea of one all-powerful being, and a seemingly blind faith in an outdated text.  but anyway, that doesn't really matter.  what matters is that i felt a pull towards finding a spiritual home.  i'm in the early stages of figuring out exactly what i mean by that, but in the meantime, i am keeping an open mind and really just "listening" to the world around me for cues.  

as part of this exploration, i've gone to church twice. probably the only two times in my life i've ever willingly gone to church of my own accord.  but, to make me feel a bit better, i will say that it is probably the furthest you can get from church but still be church.  the services i've attended have been at the First Unitarian Church of Charm City. my first experience was a very odd one, as i mostly cried. just being in the building seemed to make me very emotionally open (perhaps vulnerable?), but i felt very safe and welcome. something i probably very much needed at the time. flash forward two weeks later and i tried again. this time, i didn't find myself crying but i did listen to what the lady had to say regarding "finding home".  stay with me: i promise i'm getting back to my point, though rather circuitously.

anyway, as part of her "sermon" she asked us to pick up imaginary pencils and paper and to write down one thing we were really good at.  just one. and being the self-doubter i am, i couldn't think of anything. not one thing. and then i yelled at myself to stop being so stupid and to just admit to being good at something. so, i thought of something and wrote in on my imaginary paper and i must admit, it did feel good.  

i often forget that i have qualities that people like or that i have things people would say i'm "really good" at.  let me rephrase that: it isn't necessarily that i forget, but i think it's my tendency not to realize it.  i'm oftentimes looking at the world from a much wider perspective, and i don't feel as if i am significant enough to contribute meaningfully.  it is this very fact that i struggle with continually -- finding work that i feel will make an impact. perhaps i need to zoom in a bit and examine things more in front of me. 

okay---i know i know, i ramble this a.m. going back to good things.  

i feel incredibly lucky right now to have so many awesome people in my life who, regardless if they understand me right now, have shown nothing but support and love.  people in all walks of my life, from those i've know forever and those i've just met, have really surprised me lately.  it's nice for a slight-misanthrope to be reminded that it's okay to put a little faith in people.

i'm going to stop now. this entry has evolved into something completely different than i had originally thought, but that's okay. (i'm also way too self-critical in most cases) 

-r.a.r.

*note: i realize i'm still skirting around some big issues. in time. in time. i'm not quite ready to let go of my characteristic crypticness.