sometimes, i don't feel like i am _________ enough

sometimes, i don't feel like i am strong enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am man enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am trans enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am queer enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am loud enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am effective enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am smart enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am confident enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am genuine enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am valued enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am "me" enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am doing enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am attractive enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am cool enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i try hard enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i say enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i feel enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am enough

last night, i dreamt that i was filing my name change papers. perhaps it's coming closer to happening.

My back is slippery but has no backbone?

So, all of these happened today:

1) Carpooling to rehearsal, my bandmate was asking me about the trans health conference and says "so, you used to be a girl then?" Wow, way to make an assumption and ask an inappropriate question at the same time. I answered but didn't know how to interject with a lesson about why that is not appropriate.

2) Other Bandmate: What's up, girl? This may not have been even an insult as gay men do often call each other girl. However, I didn't appreciate it. Again, let it slide off my back.

3) Yet another Bandmate (speaking of an upcoming band trip and hotels): I think we should all room together. We are the minority (Here, I assume that she is referring to her and the other person's blackness and my filipino-ness until...) . Being all women, I think we should room together, not that I have anything against the male gender. I don't think I responded at all. I think I just walked off (semi)rudely(?)

4) And one more Bandmate: Me and Remy go way back...I knew Remy when she was L. Ahh. Again, totally inappropriate but I didn't really say anything.

So thoughts after all of these events (which occurred in a 4 hour span).
-People may not be getting it as much as they or I think
-I suck at not standing up for myself maybe. But, in all of these cases, I know that no harm was intended which may be why I was more hesitant to say something. Conversely, these people are friends, allies (or in the process of becoming ones) and open to learning so they should be easier to say something too. Bah!
-Um, yeah...

a few random things

-i got "sir"red on the phone today
-i've been less freaked out about the name change thing lately (in general)
-i'm feeling more like i actually have friends lately. or, more than a few. yay for being semi-social
-my place is a hot mess. why is it that organizing usually starts with everything being a disaster.
-i had forgotten just how awkward i can be. but, don't worry, i've rediscovered it. hopefully it is endearing.
-i really CANNOT wait to quit my job.
-i am almost done plotting and will probably book my vacation soon
-med school starts in about..9 weeks. ahh!

sorry for the rambly semi-coherent list. that's the best i have right now