bang bang!

randomosity

observation:
in the last week, my appetite has been drastically reduced. today, i've eaten 2 meals solely because i felt i should, not because i was very hungry. also, i ate more than i intended, but overall less than usual. i would like this decreased appetite to stay around...but would like to not feel obligated to eat. i mean....if i'm not hungry, there is really no need, right?

secondly: i think that i may give up alcohol. i already don't really drink that much anyway, so it wouldn't be much of a change. but... i feel like it would be healthier. i recently watched a video on youtube from jackson where he said he chooses not to smoke drink or drug b/c he doesn't want to exacerbate any of T's possibly negative effects. i agree with this. i already practically agree with this philosophy in concept and action, so why not?

i also want to continue to be conscious of how healthily i'm eating and such.

never talk to strangers.

is this good advice for those of us who are old enough not to be lured into a kidnapper's grasp? i mean, isn't everyone a stranger until you meet them?

i ramble. i'm just writing this entry because i actually talked to somebody i didn't know. past the usual automatic pleasantries of "hi" "how are you" "excuse me" etc. and for me, this is a BIG deal. especially coming on a night where i was feeling kinda saddy. for no apparent reason. i struck up a conversation with this girl in the local coffee/bookshop - something i never do. i never feel "cool enough" to talk to strangers, especially the likes that hang out in said shop. i've seen her there before, so maybe a conversation will occur at a later date too.

okay- i realize that for you super-outgoing types, this is silly. but, those of you who know me know that i'm really shy (if you don't, just remember back to when we first met.....)

Tax whoas! (not to be confused with woes)

So, I just went to the irs.gov page to see what was up with my refund. I did this a few weeks ago and it said they were still processing my return and that it should be finished processing and sent to me by March 24th. Well, being anxious and poor, I wanted to re-check it. So, I log in and the first words I see are MISTAKES. and i'm like "uh-oh"....but then, i keep reading and it turns out they found mistakes on my refund and adjusted my refund to be hundreds MORE than i expected. WHOA! :) i think this has something to do with the stimulus and economic recovery plan based on the description when i clicked on "what type of mistakes" link. since i don't actually get paid wages and get a W-2 form, i suppose they are giving me my stimulus now because they can't take it out of the biweekly checks that i don't receive. whatevs. in any case, this is a pleasant surprise and makes me happy.

Day 5

So, this is day 5 of being on T.
Has anything changed?

Well, I can honestly say that I have no freaking idea.
Here are some things that appear to be different but could just be due to placebo effects, my imagination, or the way the stars happen to be aligned.

Less anxious/stressed overall.
With the exception of last night (though, it wasn't terrible), I've been sleeping better.
So far, I seem to have had a decrease in appetite which is surprising but I'm also not complaining. (i tooka  good look at myself in the mirror today and would very much like to get rid of my "gut")
I'd say that I noticed a bit of an odor change the first day in regards to pee/etc, but I don't notice that anymore so not sure.
Today, on the way to work I was singing along with the radio and my voice seemed to go a bit deeper than it used to be able to. But, it's probably in my head. Though, my throat does feel scratchy now. I don't want to force my voice lower than it is actually b/c i'd hate to end up all squeaky.

That;s my impression so far.

Been being very proactive with washing my face twice a day to try to fend off any acne if it is coming. Trying to get back on a vitamin regimen and trying to start a (very basic at this point) workout routine consisting mostly of upper body stuff.

Um, yah. Back to the lab. (Being able to post by email does have its advantages)

03.13.09 = T Day

12 hours later....and my leg friggin hurts like crazy. ahh!

Update: 3.12.09

i'm lazy and didn't edit. i ran out of memory so it cuts off funny at the end

Get Strong... Get Ripped... Quick!

That's right. I bought an Iron Gym. It was a semi-impulse buy in that I've been thinking of getting one for awhile but figured i should wait til I thought i'd be confident that I'd actually use it before i spent the 30 bucks on it, but then i had a convo at work with DAR and was talking about one and on my way home the turn lane at the stop light was backed up so i said, i'll just go straight (onto I-95) and go get an Iron Gym. haha.

Will I get strong and ripped? More importantly will I get that way "quick"?  We'll see. I hope so. I hope their claims are as true as their claim that it is  easy to put together (it was) and easy to "install" (it was).  

I did 3 sets of 5 pushups, which were made infinitely harder by using the grips and not just putting my hands on the floor; 3 sets of 15 sit-ups; 2 sets of 5 hanging-from-the-bar-attempting-to-pull-myself-ups (cannot be called pullups or chinups - it is  a long way from that. a long way!), and i did 1 miniset of 5 dips. 

my goal is to repeat this workout 2 more times this week. hopefully, i can get a routine going. i will hopefully getting my first shot this Friday, and i'd like to use it to my advantage - bulk up! (or at least tone up). i am SO afraid of gaining weight so this might help with that too (in the sense that maybe i'll only gain muscle mass instead of fat mass). i like parenthesis tonight. ()()()()()(). 

there she goes...

tonight, i saw and heard an amazing woman speak. dr. maya angelou was at U. Baltimore as part of their Feminist Legal Theory Conference. In fact, she was the keynote. as promised, she was incredibly dynamic, charming, engaging and entertaining as a speaker, and I'm glad I went.

however, i found the experience to be slightly saddening and hard. as i was listening to dr. angelou speak about the powerful women in her life who had shaped her and paved the way for her; about the needs of women to be empowered and stand up for themselves; etc; i realized that i am no longer part of that - the feminism, female and women empowerment - and i can't ever be part of that in the same way. it was weird to be listening and relating on some level, but also to know that my understanding of the situations and experiences she was invoking were atypical to probably most of the other men in the room. i suppose that is the beauty of being in the position i am currently, but at this point, where i'm still sort of in the middle, it's also really tough. i'm trying to balance the feelings of excitement and pride in myself and the changes that are about to come with the mourning and loss of a part of myself that i know has to leave in some way. and all of it is combined with the fear of the unknown. it's quite overwhelming emotionally, and i wasn't expecting to encounter that in my evening. i realize that this is probably going to be something that i deal with more and more as things progress, and i hope i am able to figure out how to deal.

but...overall, a good night. and a good end to a long, eventful week

luck, fortune, and gratitude

those who know me, know that i am not one to talk about myself much - good or bad. especially good.  part of this is humility and part of it is likely low self-esteem.  as i am in the early stages of transition, the self-esteem factor is increasing slowly, but it's likely that i'll always be holding a large box of humility.  going along with this sometimes is a tendency to focus on faults.  but, today, i want to focus on some of the good. that way, maybe i'll be able to reference it when i'm back in my emo-place. 

coincidentally, this topic was discussed on Sunday.  in my recent search for stability and spirituality, i've been giving church a shot. i'm almost ashamed to admit that.  i've been a pretty firm non-believer for a long time.  not that i don't believe in some kind of higher power or force, but i've always had issues with Christianity, organized religion (mostly church as that is what is most familiar), the idea of one all-powerful being, and a seemingly blind faith in an outdated text.  but anyway, that doesn't really matter.  what matters is that i felt a pull towards finding a spiritual home.  i'm in the early stages of figuring out exactly what i mean by that, but in the meantime, i am keeping an open mind and really just "listening" to the world around me for cues.  

as part of this exploration, i've gone to church twice. probably the only two times in my life i've ever willingly gone to church of my own accord.  but, to make me feel a bit better, i will say that it is probably the furthest you can get from church but still be church.  the services i've attended have been at the First Unitarian Church of Charm City. my first experience was a very odd one, as i mostly cried. just being in the building seemed to make me very emotionally open (perhaps vulnerable?), but i felt very safe and welcome. something i probably very much needed at the time. flash forward two weeks later and i tried again. this time, i didn't find myself crying but i did listen to what the lady had to say regarding "finding home".  stay with me: i promise i'm getting back to my point, though rather circuitously.

anyway, as part of her "sermon" she asked us to pick up imaginary pencils and paper and to write down one thing we were really good at.  just one. and being the self-doubter i am, i couldn't think of anything. not one thing. and then i yelled at myself to stop being so stupid and to just admit to being good at something. so, i thought of something and wrote in on my imaginary paper and i must admit, it did feel good.  

i often forget that i have qualities that people like or that i have things people would say i'm "really good" at.  let me rephrase that: it isn't necessarily that i forget, but i think it's my tendency not to realize it.  i'm oftentimes looking at the world from a much wider perspective, and i don't feel as if i am significant enough to contribute meaningfully.  it is this very fact that i struggle with continually -- finding work that i feel will make an impact. perhaps i need to zoom in a bit and examine things more in front of me. 

okay---i know i know, i ramble this a.m. going back to good things.  

i feel incredibly lucky right now to have so many awesome people in my life who, regardless if they understand me right now, have shown nothing but support and love.  people in all walks of my life, from those i've know forever and those i've just met, have really surprised me lately.  it's nice for a slight-misanthrope to be reminded that it's okay to put a little faith in people.

i'm going to stop now. this entry has evolved into something completely different than i had originally thought, but that's okay. (i'm also way too self-critical in most cases) 

-r.a.r.

*note: i realize i'm still skirting around some big issues. in time. in time. i'm not quite ready to let go of my characteristic crypticness. 

test...

can i really post by email?

I am slowly becoming my father...

As I sit here on a Sunday morning, sipping my coffee and watching CBS' Sunday Morning, only one (maybe two) things are missing - the Sunday crossword, and my life partner working on it with me.  Other than that, I may as well be my dad.  

i woke up one morning and realized that the Sunday ritual i always hated as a kid - being forced to watch this 90-minute news show with a funny them song and a low-tech, looked like it hadn't changed from the 70's set, with the funny guy in a bow tie instead of watching cartoons or whatever; and being asked a multitude of questions regarding the remaining answers in the crossword puzzle that my parents thought i might know - had suddenly become my very own sunday habit. (minus the crossword b/c i'm poor and don't subscribe). i find i really miss doing crosswords daily, but can't seem to make the time to do one. moreso, i feel guilty for trying to do one at work while "on the clock" so to speak.

anyway, i suppose in more than just this way i am slowly becoming my father. this isn't a bad thing. i pretty much think that he is the greatest man in the world, and i'd be lucky to be half the man he is. recently, it's become more of a reality that i will very likely succeed in this. following in his footsteps and also growing into them.