month of freedom

friday was my last day in the lab. thus begins a month of freedom before school begins. today, i 'm nc bound for a quick trip. the craziness of the next few weeks and the nervousness and stress should make a winning combination.

hopefully i will get around to posting a few vids i've been meaning to as well as some pics of the next few weeks.

flying under the radar.

so, tonight i participated in a dual-bachelorette party for my two lesbian friends who are getting married next month. i was a little apprehensive as i
a)wasn't sure what the crowd would be (though i knew i wouldn't be the only guy)
b) i knew a lot of the crowd would be second years (at Maryland Med School where I'll be)
c) there was a possibility of some of my fraternity brothers who i haven't seen or talked to in years to be there

turns out b) and c) were true. but, the night went off very successfully. first, someone filled in said frat brothers of my transitioning prior to them arriving at the meeting place. yay for eliminating some of the awkwardness. not sure if the others knew anything or not, but i don't think they did. and they just took me as one of the guys.

we ended up getting ripped off by a cabbie :( who took us to our first destination - strip club. we ended up going to a lower end one not on "the block" b/c one of the girls had connections and could get us in free. well, turns out that was only true for the ladies. and so i flew under the radar as i payed cover. for some reason the bouncer didn't card the guys (maybe b/c our group was like 20 people) which i was glad for. that could have been superawkward depending on what reaction i would have gotten.

that was my first venture into a strip club. i didn't think they were going to do fully nudes, but they did. it was okay. none of the girls were that attractive really. even with my testosterone enhanced state, i wasn't all worked up over anything. we went from there to the gay club. again, i was sort of afraid about the ID issue. i've never had a problem at that particular institution but i've never been there with new people who didn't know my status or on a "ladies" night where there were different covers for guys and girls. that different cover thing really sucks, btw.

it was nice to be stealthish tonight, but i realized i had to be careful of not saying anything stupid to blow it. i'm not used to being in such a situation. it was kind of nice.

okay, this entry sucks and is rambly but it is almost 3 am. g'night
-r.a.r.

progress

I biked approximately 2.5 miles tonight. On the city streets. Partially at night. AND AND AND didn't collapse or die. This is progress. I will tell you that it wasn't the easiest...I blame this partly on needing more air in my tires (I think), not knowing how to shift gears, and of course on my out-of-shapeness. I think I could grow to like this though.

It was especially nice on my way back from my friends- the cool air was so pleasant

top surgery update #1

i just scheduled a consult for July 20th with dr. beverly fischer!
i am hoping to schedule for right after my first semester of classes ends. but, we'll see...it's really close to xmas and then i only have 1.5 weeks off for winter break! seriously. not even 2 weeks.
but, that is plenty of time to hopefully scrounge up the rest of the money and such needed.
i should have scheduled this before now - i wish i could have had it done pre-school starting. oh well.

sometimes, i don't feel like i am _________ enough

sometimes, i don't feel like i am strong enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am man enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am trans enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am queer enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am loud enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am effective enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am smart enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am confident enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am genuine enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am valued enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am "me" enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am doing enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am attractive enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am cool enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i try hard enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i say enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i feel enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am enough

last night, i dreamt that i was filing my name change papers. perhaps it's coming closer to happening.

My back is slippery but has no backbone?

So, all of these happened today:

1) Carpooling to rehearsal, my bandmate was asking me about the trans health conference and says "so, you used to be a girl then?" Wow, way to make an assumption and ask an inappropriate question at the same time. I answered but didn't know how to interject with a lesson about why that is not appropriate.

2) Other Bandmate: What's up, girl? This may not have been even an insult as gay men do often call each other girl. However, I didn't appreciate it. Again, let it slide off my back.

3) Yet another Bandmate (speaking of an upcoming band trip and hotels): I think we should all room together. We are the minority (Here, I assume that she is referring to her and the other person's blackness and my filipino-ness until...) . Being all women, I think we should room together, not that I have anything against the male gender. I don't think I responded at all. I think I just walked off (semi)rudely(?)

4) And one more Bandmate: Me and Remy go way back...I knew Remy when she was L. Ahh. Again, totally inappropriate but I didn't really say anything.

So thoughts after all of these events (which occurred in a 4 hour span).
-People may not be getting it as much as they or I think
-I suck at not standing up for myself maybe. But, in all of these cases, I know that no harm was intended which may be why I was more hesitant to say something. Conversely, these people are friends, allies (or in the process of becoming ones) and open to learning so they should be easier to say something too. Bah!
-Um, yeah...