sometimes, i don't feel like i am _________ enough

sometimes, i don't feel like i am strong enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am man enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am trans enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am queer enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am loud enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am effective enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am smart enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am confident enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am genuine enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am valued enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am "me" enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am doing enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am attractive enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am cool enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i try hard enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i say enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i feel enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am enough

My back is slippery but has no backbone?

So, all of these happened today:

1) Carpooling to rehearsal, my bandmate was asking me about the trans health conference and says "so, you used to be a girl then?" Wow, way to make an assumption and ask an inappropriate question at the same time. I answered but didn't know how to interject with a lesson about why that is not appropriate.

2) Other Bandmate: What's up, girl? This may not have been even an insult as gay men do often call each other girl. However, I didn't appreciate it. Again, let it slide off my back.

3) Yet another Bandmate (speaking of an upcoming band trip and hotels): I think we should all room together. We are the minority (Here, I assume that she is referring to her and the other person's blackness and my filipino-ness until...) . Being all women, I think we should room together, not that I have anything against the male gender. I don't think I responded at all. I think I just walked off (semi)rudely(?)

4) And one more Bandmate: Me and Remy go way back...I knew Remy when she was L. Ahh. Again, totally inappropriate but I didn't really say anything.

So thoughts after all of these events (which occurred in a 4 hour span).
-People may not be getting it as much as they or I think
-I suck at not standing up for myself maybe. But, in all of these cases, I know that no harm was intended which may be why I was more hesitant to say something. Conversely, these people are friends, allies (or in the process of becoming ones) and open to learning so they should be easier to say something too. Bah!
-Um, yeah...

parting words (at least for now)

Dear L,

I know that recently it seems like I've been pushing you away...it's just that I'm not sure how to keep you in my life right now. I know that you're scared to leave. I'm scared too - scared of losing you forever, afraid of not being able to live up to your reputation with your family and friends, and terrified that I will become unrecognizable to you and everyone else I know. I don't want you to go away forever, but right now, I need my space. And I need some distance from you. I can feel you holding on, not wanting to let go - but for me to take this chance and leap of faith, i need you to as well. Though we must diverge as I make my journey, I have confidence that we will meet up again down the road and travel together again. Maybe by then, you won't be just a sad girl named happiness and I won't be such a lost little boy. I'm going through so many changes right now, and I want to be able to enjoy them and take it all in as I'm living it and so I have to stop worrying about you so much. I know that's not my style. So for now, "so long" -- I'll think of you often as I carve out my own path.

Love always,
R.A.R.

Update: 3.12.09

i'm lazy and didn't edit. i ran out of memory so it cuts off funny at the end

there she goes...

tonight, i saw and heard an amazing woman speak. dr. maya angelou was at U. Baltimore as part of their Feminist Legal Theory Conference. In fact, she was the keynote. as promised, she was incredibly dynamic, charming, engaging and entertaining as a speaker, and I'm glad I went.

however, i found the experience to be slightly saddening and hard. as i was listening to dr. angelou speak about the powerful women in her life who had shaped her and paved the way for her; about the needs of women to be empowered and stand up for themselves; etc; i realized that i am no longer part of that - the feminism, female and women empowerment - and i can't ever be part of that in the same way. it was weird to be listening and relating on some level, but also to know that my understanding of the situations and experiences she was invoking were atypical to probably most of the other men in the room. i suppose that is the beauty of being in the position i am currently, but at this point, where i'm still sort of in the middle, it's also really tough. i'm trying to balance the feelings of excitement and pride in myself and the changes that are about to come with the mourning and loss of a part of myself that i know has to leave in some way. and all of it is combined with the fear of the unknown. it's quite overwhelming emotionally, and i wasn't expecting to encounter that in my evening. i realize that this is probably going to be something that i deal with more and more as things progress, and i hope i am able to figure out how to deal.

but...overall, a good night. and a good end to a long, eventful week