i just scheduled a consult for July 20th with dr. beverly fischer!
i am hoping to schedule for right after my first semester of classes ends. but, we'll see...it's really close to xmas and then i only have 1.5 weeks off for winter break! seriously. not even 2 weeks.
but, that is plenty of time to hopefully scrounge up the rest of the money and such needed.
i should have scheduled this before now - i wish i could have had it done pre-school starting. oh well.
7.02.2009
6.30.2009
sometimes, i don't feel like i am _________ enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am strong enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am man enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am trans enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am queer enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am loud enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am effective enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am smart enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am confident enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am genuine enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am valued enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am "me" enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am doing enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am attractive enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am cool enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i try hard enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i say enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i feel enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am man enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am trans enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am queer enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am loud enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am effective enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am smart enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am confident enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am genuine enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am valued enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am "me" enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am doing enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am attractive enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am cool enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i try hard enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i say enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i feel enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am enough
6.22.2009
My back is slippery but has no backbone?
So, all of these happened today:
1) Carpooling to rehearsal, my bandmate was asking me about the trans health conference and says "so, you used to be a girl then?" Wow, way to make an assumption and ask an inappropriate question at the same time. I answered but didn't know how to interject with a lesson about why that is not appropriate.
2) Other Bandmate: What's up, girl? This may not have been even an insult as gay men do often call each other girl. However, I didn't appreciate it. Again, let it slide off my back.
3) Yet another Bandmate (speaking of an upcoming band trip and hotels): I think we should all room together. We are the minority (Here, I assume that she is referring to her and the other person's blackness and my filipino-ness until...) . Being all women, I think we should room together, not that I have anything against the male gender. I don't think I responded at all. I think I just walked off (semi)rudely(?)
4) And one more Bandmate: Me and Remy go way back...I knew Remy when she was L. Ahh. Again, totally inappropriate but I didn't really say anything.
So thoughts after all of these events (which occurred in a 4 hour span).
-People may not be getting it as much as they or I think
-I suck at not standing up for myself maybe. But, in all of these cases, I know that no harm was intended which may be why I was more hesitant to say something. Conversely, these people are friends, allies (or in the process of becoming ones) and open to learning so they should be easier to say something too. Bah!
-Um, yeah...
1) Carpooling to rehearsal, my bandmate was asking me about the trans health conference and says "so, you used to be a girl then?" Wow, way to make an assumption and ask an inappropriate question at the same time. I answered but didn't know how to interject with a lesson about why that is not appropriate.
2) Other Bandmate: What's up, girl? This may not have been even an insult as gay men do often call each other girl. However, I didn't appreciate it. Again, let it slide off my back.
3) Yet another Bandmate (speaking of an upcoming band trip and hotels): I think we should all room together. We are the minority (Here, I assume that she is referring to her and the other person's blackness and my filipino-ness until...) . Being all women, I think we should room together, not that I have anything against the male gender. I don't think I responded at all. I think I just walked off (semi)rudely(?)
4) And one more Bandmate: Me and Remy go way back...I knew Remy when she was L. Ahh. Again, totally inappropriate but I didn't really say anything.
So thoughts after all of these events (which occurred in a 4 hour span).
-People may not be getting it as much as they or I think
-I suck at not standing up for myself maybe. But, in all of these cases, I know that no harm was intended which may be why I was more hesitant to say something. Conversely, these people are friends, allies (or in the process of becoming ones) and open to learning so they should be easier to say something too. Bah!
-Um, yeah...
6.04.2009
a few random things
-i got "sir"red on the phone today
-i've been less freaked out about the name change thing lately (in general)
-i'm feeling more like i actually have friends lately. or, more than a few. yay for being semi-social
-my place is a hot mess. why is it that organizing usually starts with everything being a disaster.
-i had forgotten just how awkward i can be. but, don't worry, i've rediscovered it. hopefully it is endearing.
-i really CANNOT wait to quit my job.
-i am almost done plotting and will probably book my vacation soon
-med school starts in about..9 weeks. ahh!
sorry for the rambly semi-coherent list. that's the best i have right now
-i've been less freaked out about the name change thing lately (in general)
-i'm feeling more like i actually have friends lately. or, more than a few. yay for being semi-social
-my place is a hot mess. why is it that organizing usually starts with everything being a disaster.
-i had forgotten just how awkward i can be. but, don't worry, i've rediscovered it. hopefully it is endearing.
-i really CANNOT wait to quit my job.
-i am almost done plotting and will probably book my vacation soon
-med school starts in about..9 weeks. ahh!
sorry for the rambly semi-coherent list. that's the best i have right now
5.09.2009
4.29.2009
Blood
So, I decided to give blood today. It was my second time, and I am proudly sporting the "Be nice to me, I gave blood today!" sticker. One of my goals has been to be a habitual-every-8-week donor, and it looks like I'm working my way up to that nicely. Two units down, umpteen more to go. This is, of course, dependent on not getting tattoos which may throw the donation schedule off (and likely will if my plans carry out). I feel really good having donated blood which could help several people out. Check out more info about blood donation and blood drives at the givelife.org website.
Anyway, today's experience was interesting. I made several observations, most of which are assumptions, but still make life interesting. First, I think maybe that I was in the system as male because when I had to (reluctantly) state that I was female, the intake person pressed a button on the keyboard. When the paperwork was printed, there was an asterisk next to the "F" as if it had been changed. Then, I sit in the chair and the girl who I assume is going to be taking my blood says to the other one "hand me his file". As it turns out, she must have been going on break or something so another girl came to take over. This second one started to wipe something off of all the bags (for blood collection) and the first goes "what are you getting rid of that "M" for?" "Because we don't need it" was the response. I can only assume that this was a gender marker? I don't know how the blood collection stuff is classified but that is my guess.
Plus, I'm not sure...but I lied during my history about shots in the last 8 weeks. I don't think taking testosterone should be a problem but I didn't want to chance it. I need to look more into this. I just felt bad about lying. Oh well.
Okay, I need to get to work. This is being posted by email.
-r.a.r.
Anyway, today's experience was interesting. I made several observations, most of which are assumptions, but still make life interesting. First, I think maybe that I was in the system as male because when I had to (reluctantly) state that I was female, the intake person pressed a button on the keyboard. When the paperwork was printed, there was an asterisk next to the "F" as if it had been changed. Then, I sit in the chair and the girl who I assume is going to be taking my blood says to the other one "hand me his file". As it turns out, she must have been going on break or something so another girl came to take over. This second one started to wipe something off of all the bags (for blood collection) and the first goes "what are you getting rid of that "M" for?" "Because we don't need it" was the response. I can only assume that this was a gender marker? I don't know how the blood collection stuff is classified but that is my guess.
Plus, I'm not sure...but I lied during my history about shots in the last 8 weeks. I don't think taking testosterone should be a problem but I didn't want to chance it. I need to look more into this. I just felt bad about lying. Oh well.
Okay, I need to get to work. This is being posted by email.
-r.a.r.
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