so, i just realized that i have this thing called a blog.
and hopefully, i will update soon. b/c the last 4-5ish months have been super uneventful and eventful at the same time
2.17.2010
8.30.2009
one week down....
so, i successfully completed my first week of classes. and - wow! hit you in the face. i'm already really behind. it's very overwhelming, but i'm dealing with it pretty well. i think that i've almost found my groove and so should be a little more efficient and focused this week. it's harder to get back into the swing of things than i imagined, having not been a student for 2 years.
wednesday was an odd day. we started our dissections. in one day, i cut into a cadaver and received my own human skeleton to take home. i wasn't very freaked out by this until i got my bone box home. i went to open it and was like "this is a bit creepy". and it still is. i'm sure i'll be utilizing the bones a lot more in the future to study, but for now - they are safely tucked away.
even more surreal perhaps was friday's dissection. the task was the breasts and chest cavity. being that our cadaver is a woman, we had to remove both breasts and give one away to another group who didn't have one. weird. then we had to dissect the individual breast (the part that i ended up doing). it was fine, but it was a little unsettling. here we were, basically doing a type of double mastectomy - a procedure that is upcoming for me in december. of course, it isn't the exact same thing - but as i was thinking about it, it was just..i can't describe it.
i had a similar reaction when we did the spine as i recalled my back surgery. i suppose i've always been fascinated by surgery and things like that, but now, after having actually been part of the process of cutting into a human being, i'm even more amazed by surgeons and surgery. everything is so intimately connected and so close together, it is amazing what we can do. i wish i were more eloquent of a writer or that my thoughts were more coherent at the moment to describe this better.
here's looking to surviving week 2.
wednesday was an odd day. we started our dissections. in one day, i cut into a cadaver and received my own human skeleton to take home. i wasn't very freaked out by this until i got my bone box home. i went to open it and was like "this is a bit creepy". and it still is. i'm sure i'll be utilizing the bones a lot more in the future to study, but for now - they are safely tucked away.
even more surreal perhaps was friday's dissection. the task was the breasts and chest cavity. being that our cadaver is a woman, we had to remove both breasts and give one away to another group who didn't have one. weird. then we had to dissect the individual breast (the part that i ended up doing). it was fine, but it was a little unsettling. here we were, basically doing a type of double mastectomy - a procedure that is upcoming for me in december. of course, it isn't the exact same thing - but as i was thinking about it, it was just..i can't describe it.
i had a similar reaction when we did the spine as i recalled my back surgery. i suppose i've always been fascinated by surgery and things like that, but now, after having actually been part of the process of cutting into a human being, i'm even more amazed by surgeons and surgery. everything is so intimately connected and so close together, it is amazing what we can do. i wish i were more eloquent of a writer or that my thoughts were more coherent at the moment to describe this better.
here's looking to surviving week 2.
8.19.2009
surrealism
today, i had the surreal experience of meeting someone that i had already met but who didn't realize the difference (and thus, thought i ws somebody completely new). okay, maybe that didn't make any sense, so let me try again. through the course of the last few days, i have probably introduced myself over 200 times. in fact, i feel like that is mostly all i've done since starting my medical school experience. funny thing, i still probably haven't met m ore than a third of my 165-member class. several people remembered me from before (like from an interview day) but didn't seem to remember and/or care that my name and gender was different. today however, i had an experience that went something like this:
-hi, i'm remy
*i'm m_____
-i think we may have met before. did we interview together?
*no, ...(thinking) wait! we worked together at NIH
-oh yeah.
-where did you go to school?
-NC State
-there was another girl at NIH that went to NC State who actually knew s0-and-so who i grew up with
um...yeah. totally talking about me. SURREAL.
in other news, seem to be fitting in and being perceived as i want. which is odd as i don't really know how to converse with guys. apparently, a lot of people think i'm gay. i'm okay with this, but i find it amusing.
more later
8.12.2009
7.21.2009
month of freedom
friday was my last day in the lab. thus begins a month of freedom before school begins. today, i 'm nc bound for a quick trip. the craziness of the next few weeks and the nervousness and stress should make a winning combination.
hopefully i will get around to posting a few vids i've been meaning to as well as some pics of the next few weeks.
hopefully i will get around to posting a few vids i've been meaning to as well as some pics of the next few weeks.
7.19.2009
flying under the radar.
so, tonight i participated in a dual-bachelorette party for my two lesbian friends who are getting married next month. i was a little apprehensive as i
a)wasn't sure what the crowd would be (though i knew i wouldn't be the only guy)
b) i knew a lot of the crowd would be second years (at Maryland Med School where I'll be)
c) there was a possibility of some of my fraternity brothers who i haven't seen or talked to in years to be there
turns out b) and c) were true. but, the night went off very successfully. first, someone filled in said frat brothers of my transitioning prior to them arriving at the meeting place. yay for eliminating some of the awkwardness. not sure if the others knew anything or not, but i don't think they did. and they just took me as one of the guys.
we ended up getting ripped off by a cabbie :( who took us to our first destination - strip club. we ended up going to a lower end one not on "the block" b/c one of the girls had connections and could get us in free. well, turns out that was only true for the ladies. and so i flew under the radar as i payed cover. for some reason the bouncer didn't card the guys (maybe b/c our group was like 20 people) which i was glad for. that could have been superawkward depending on what reaction i would have gotten.
that was my first venture into a strip club. i didn't think they were going to do fully nudes, but they did. it was okay. none of the girls were that attractive really. even with my testosterone enhanced state, i wasn't all worked up over anything. we went from there to the gay club. again, i was sort of afraid about the ID issue. i've never had a problem at that particular institution but i've never been there with new people who didn't know my status or on a "ladies" night where there were different covers for guys and girls. that different cover thing really sucks, btw.
it was nice to be stealthish tonight, but i realized i had to be careful of not saying anything stupid to blow it. i'm not used to being in such a situation. it was kind of nice.
okay, this entry sucks and is rambly but it is almost 3 am. g'night
-r.a.r.
a)wasn't sure what the crowd would be (though i knew i wouldn't be the only guy)
b) i knew a lot of the crowd would be second years (at Maryland Med School where I'll be)
c) there was a possibility of some of my fraternity brothers who i haven't seen or talked to in years to be there
turns out b) and c) were true. but, the night went off very successfully. first, someone filled in said frat brothers of my transitioning prior to them arriving at the meeting place. yay for eliminating some of the awkwardness. not sure if the others knew anything or not, but i don't think they did. and they just took me as one of the guys.
we ended up getting ripped off by a cabbie :( who took us to our first destination - strip club. we ended up going to a lower end one not on "the block" b/c one of the girls had connections and could get us in free. well, turns out that was only true for the ladies. and so i flew under the radar as i payed cover. for some reason the bouncer didn't card the guys (maybe b/c our group was like 20 people) which i was glad for. that could have been superawkward depending on what reaction i would have gotten.
that was my first venture into a strip club. i didn't think they were going to do fully nudes, but they did. it was okay. none of the girls were that attractive really. even with my testosterone enhanced state, i wasn't all worked up over anything. we went from there to the gay club. again, i was sort of afraid about the ID issue. i've never had a problem at that particular institution but i've never been there with new people who didn't know my status or on a "ladies" night where there were different covers for guys and girls. that different cover thing really sucks, btw.
it was nice to be stealthish tonight, but i realized i had to be careful of not saying anything stupid to blow it. i'm not used to being in such a situation. it was kind of nice.
okay, this entry sucks and is rambly but it is almost 3 am. g'night
-r.a.r.
7.06.2009
progress
I biked approximately 2.5 miles tonight. On the city streets. Partially at night. AND AND AND didn't collapse or die. This is progress. I will tell you that it wasn't the easiest...I blame this partly on needing more air in my tires (I think), not knowing how to shift gears, and of course on my out-of-shapeness. I think I could grow to like this though.
It was especially nice on my way back from my friends- the cool air was so pleasant
7.02.2009
top surgery update #1
i just scheduled a consult for July 20th with dr. beverly fischer!
i am hoping to schedule for right after my first semester of classes ends. but, we'll see...it's really close to xmas and then i only have 1.5 weeks off for winter break! seriously. not even 2 weeks.
but, that is plenty of time to hopefully scrounge up the rest of the money and such needed.
i should have scheduled this before now - i wish i could have had it done pre-school starting. oh well.
i am hoping to schedule for right after my first semester of classes ends. but, we'll see...it's really close to xmas and then i only have 1.5 weeks off for winter break! seriously. not even 2 weeks.
but, that is plenty of time to hopefully scrounge up the rest of the money and such needed.
i should have scheduled this before now - i wish i could have had it done pre-school starting. oh well.
6.30.2009
sometimes, i don't feel like i am _________ enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am strong enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am man enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am trans enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am queer enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am loud enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am effective enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am smart enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am confident enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am genuine enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am valued enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am "me" enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am doing enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am attractive enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am cool enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i try hard enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i say enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i feel enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am man enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am trans enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am queer enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am loud enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am effective enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am smart enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am confident enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am genuine enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am valued enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am "me" enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am doing enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am attractive enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am cool enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i try hard enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i say enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i feel enough
sometimes, i don't feel like i am enough
6.22.2009
My back is slippery but has no backbone?
So, all of these happened today:
1) Carpooling to rehearsal, my bandmate was asking me about the trans health conference and says "so, you used to be a girl then?" Wow, way to make an assumption and ask an inappropriate question at the same time. I answered but didn't know how to interject with a lesson about why that is not appropriate.
2) Other Bandmate: What's up, girl? This may not have been even an insult as gay men do often call each other girl. However, I didn't appreciate it. Again, let it slide off my back.
3) Yet another Bandmate (speaking of an upcoming band trip and hotels): I think we should all room together. We are the minority (Here, I assume that she is referring to her and the other person's blackness and my filipino-ness until...) . Being all women, I think we should room together, not that I have anything against the male gender. I don't think I responded at all. I think I just walked off (semi)rudely(?)
4) And one more Bandmate: Me and Remy go way back...I knew Remy when she was L. Ahh. Again, totally inappropriate but I didn't really say anything.
So thoughts after all of these events (which occurred in a 4 hour span).
-People may not be getting it as much as they or I think
-I suck at not standing up for myself maybe. But, in all of these cases, I know that no harm was intended which may be why I was more hesitant to say something. Conversely, these people are friends, allies (or in the process of becoming ones) and open to learning so they should be easier to say something too. Bah!
-Um, yeah...
1) Carpooling to rehearsal, my bandmate was asking me about the trans health conference and says "so, you used to be a girl then?" Wow, way to make an assumption and ask an inappropriate question at the same time. I answered but didn't know how to interject with a lesson about why that is not appropriate.
2) Other Bandmate: What's up, girl? This may not have been even an insult as gay men do often call each other girl. However, I didn't appreciate it. Again, let it slide off my back.
3) Yet another Bandmate (speaking of an upcoming band trip and hotels): I think we should all room together. We are the minority (Here, I assume that she is referring to her and the other person's blackness and my filipino-ness until...) . Being all women, I think we should room together, not that I have anything against the male gender. I don't think I responded at all. I think I just walked off (semi)rudely(?)
4) And one more Bandmate: Me and Remy go way back...I knew Remy when she was L. Ahh. Again, totally inappropriate but I didn't really say anything.
So thoughts after all of these events (which occurred in a 4 hour span).
-People may not be getting it as much as they or I think
-I suck at not standing up for myself maybe. But, in all of these cases, I know that no harm was intended which may be why I was more hesitant to say something. Conversely, these people are friends, allies (or in the process of becoming ones) and open to learning so they should be easier to say something too. Bah!
-Um, yeah...
6.04.2009
a few random things
-i got "sir"red on the phone today
-i've been less freaked out about the name change thing lately (in general)
-i'm feeling more like i actually have friends lately. or, more than a few. yay for being semi-social
-my place is a hot mess. why is it that organizing usually starts with everything being a disaster.
-i had forgotten just how awkward i can be. but, don't worry, i've rediscovered it. hopefully it is endearing.
-i really CANNOT wait to quit my job.
-i am almost done plotting and will probably book my vacation soon
-med school starts in about..9 weeks. ahh!
sorry for the rambly semi-coherent list. that's the best i have right now
-i've been less freaked out about the name change thing lately (in general)
-i'm feeling more like i actually have friends lately. or, more than a few. yay for being semi-social
-my place is a hot mess. why is it that organizing usually starts with everything being a disaster.
-i had forgotten just how awkward i can be. but, don't worry, i've rediscovered it. hopefully it is endearing.
-i really CANNOT wait to quit my job.
-i am almost done plotting and will probably book my vacation soon
-med school starts in about..9 weeks. ahh!
sorry for the rambly semi-coherent list. that's the best i have right now
5.09.2009
4.29.2009
Blood
So, I decided to give blood today. It was my second time, and I am proudly sporting the "Be nice to me, I gave blood today!" sticker. One of my goals has been to be a habitual-every-8-week donor, and it looks like I'm working my way up to that nicely. Two units down, umpteen more to go. This is, of course, dependent on not getting tattoos which may throw the donation schedule off (and likely will if my plans carry out). I feel really good having donated blood which could help several people out. Check out more info about blood donation and blood drives at the givelife.org website.
Anyway, today's experience was interesting. I made several observations, most of which are assumptions, but still make life interesting. First, I think maybe that I was in the system as male because when I had to (reluctantly) state that I was female, the intake person pressed a button on the keyboard. When the paperwork was printed, there was an asterisk next to the "F" as if it had been changed. Then, I sit in the chair and the girl who I assume is going to be taking my blood says to the other one "hand me his file". As it turns out, she must have been going on break or something so another girl came to take over. This second one started to wipe something off of all the bags (for blood collection) and the first goes "what are you getting rid of that "M" for?" "Because we don't need it" was the response. I can only assume that this was a gender marker? I don't know how the blood collection stuff is classified but that is my guess.
Plus, I'm not sure...but I lied during my history about shots in the last 8 weeks. I don't think taking testosterone should be a problem but I didn't want to chance it. I need to look more into this. I just felt bad about lying. Oh well.
Okay, I need to get to work. This is being posted by email.
-r.a.r.
Anyway, today's experience was interesting. I made several observations, most of which are assumptions, but still make life interesting. First, I think maybe that I was in the system as male because when I had to (reluctantly) state that I was female, the intake person pressed a button on the keyboard. When the paperwork was printed, there was an asterisk next to the "F" as if it had been changed. Then, I sit in the chair and the girl who I assume is going to be taking my blood says to the other one "hand me his file". As it turns out, she must have been going on break or something so another girl came to take over. This second one started to wipe something off of all the bags (for blood collection) and the first goes "what are you getting rid of that "M" for?" "Because we don't need it" was the response. I can only assume that this was a gender marker? I don't know how the blood collection stuff is classified but that is my guess.
Plus, I'm not sure...but I lied during my history about shots in the last 8 weeks. I don't think taking testosterone should be a problem but I didn't want to chance it. I need to look more into this. I just felt bad about lying. Oh well.
Okay, I need to get to work. This is being posted by email.
-r.a.r.
4.26.2009
04.26.09
I've had a really great weekend. Busy and yet lazy at the same time. My days have been pretty filled, but I've managed to stay in both Friday and Saturday nights. I think I needed it -- to recharge. I've been feeling very tired the last week or so - like, I'm actually sleeping in which isn't usual. Could this be a hormonal thing? I suppose it could be.
Random things:
-my thighs may be getting hairier.
-same goes for my chinny chin
-i noticed my hairline looked different today,but it was also immediately after waking up with no glasses on.haha
- I like looking in the mirror without my glasses on; this has been the case for a long while.
-Names are hard and I'm still very much in distress over figuring this one out.
-I need to be better at documenting my journey I think.
This blog post is not very fun, I realize.
Random things:
-my thighs may be getting hairier.
-same goes for my chinny chin
-i noticed my hairline looked different today,but it was also immediately after waking up with no glasses on.haha
- I like looking in the mirror without my glasses on; this has been the case for a long while.
-Names are hard and I'm still very much in distress over figuring this one out.
-I need to be better at documenting my journey I think.
This blog post is not very fun, I realize.
4.22.2009
parting words (at least for now)
Dear L,
I know that recently it seems like I've been pushing you away...it's just that I'm not sure how to keep you in my life right now. I know that you're scared to leave. I'm scared too - scared of losing you forever, afraid of not being able to live up to your reputation with your family and friends, and terrified that I will become unrecognizable to you and everyone else I know. I don't want you to go away forever, but right now, I need my space. And I need some distance from you. I can feel you holding on, not wanting to let go - but for me to take this chance and leap of faith, i need you to as well. Though we must diverge as I make my journey, I have confidence that we will meet up again down the road and travel together again. Maybe by then, you won't be just a sad girl named happiness and I won't be such a lost little boy. I'm going through so many changes right now, and I want to be able to enjoy them and take it all in as I'm living it and so I have to stop worrying about you so much. I know that's not my style. So for now, "so long" -- I'll think of you often as I carve out my own path.
Love always,
R.A.R.
I know that recently it seems like I've been pushing you away...it's just that I'm not sure how to keep you in my life right now. I know that you're scared to leave. I'm scared too - scared of losing you forever, afraid of not being able to live up to your reputation with your family and friends, and terrified that I will become unrecognizable to you and everyone else I know. I don't want you to go away forever, but right now, I need my space. And I need some distance from you. I can feel you holding on, not wanting to let go - but for me to take this chance and leap of faith, i need you to as well. Though we must diverge as I make my journey, I have confidence that we will meet up again down the road and travel together again. Maybe by then, you won't be just a sad girl named happiness and I won't be such a lost little boy. I'm going through so many changes right now, and I want to be able to enjoy them and take it all in as I'm living it and so I have to stop worrying about you so much. I know that's not my style. So for now, "so long" -- I'll think of you often as I carve out my own path.
Love always,
R.A.R.
4.19.2009
4.17.2009
OFFICIALLY official
So, it's officially official. I will be going to Maryland next year for medical school.
I realize that I've been telling most of you this for several weeks (months?), but it is now officially official! I finally withdrew from CMS at Rosalind Franklin University today. It was the only school that I still hadn't removed my name from. And, after several weeks of nervousness and horrific thinking that once I withdrew I'd find out the I'd actually imagined getting accepted and holding a spot at maryland, I finally took care of it. GO me! and, i made my self-imposed deadline too.
YAY!
Now, onto worrying about financial stuff. meh.
I realize that I've been telling most of you this for several weeks (months?), but it is now officially official! I finally withdrew from CMS at Rosalind Franklin University today. It was the only school that I still hadn't removed my name from. And, after several weeks of nervousness and horrific thinking that once I withdrew I'd find out the I'd actually imagined getting accepted and holding a spot at maryland, I finally took care of it. GO me! and, i made my self-imposed deadline too.
YAY!
Now, onto worrying about financial stuff. meh.
4.10.2009
Shot #3
The second I've given myself. This one did not go as smoothly as the first one even though my stress levels were WAY lower. Could it be because of the cross-body action? This week was in the left leg and I am right-handed. Do I have the gusto to try doing it left-handed next time? Or, was it just the fact that the needle was too dull? I ended up switching needles cause my first attempt I couldn't seem to break the skin. But, was it the needle being dull or me being apprehensive? Good question. Also, had some post-injection leakage this time. For real this time and not-imagined. I may ask about this and try doing the z-track method I've heard about. I also need to ask about proper needle disposal. I should probably have a biohazard/sharps container or something. For now, a used water bottle will have to do.
Other observations: I don't know if it's related as I only have 2 previous times to go by, but it seems that the last few days before I am due for a shot, I get really tired. I think the release time is 7-10 days, so this makes sense. I am gonna keep an eye on this pattern and see if it persists. I'm hoping that my period doesn't come this month. I was really wishful last month but it came right after my 2nd shot. meh. Exactly NOT what I wanted to deal with.
I was surprised yesterday by the discovery of the amount of change in certain regions. That is all I will say about that. I'm noticing more hair (the blondy peachfuzzy kind) on my face - but, was it there before and I just didn't notice or is it new? Appetite is still low but more normal than it was the first 3 weeks. This is all I can think of for now. I should start posting pics eventually.
3.27.2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
